A Lesson of a Lifetime. Perfect.

Oh my, this week - practically a week before graduation is one characterized with turmoil, sadness, depression, anxiety and almost everything. It has been one hell of a roller-coaster week actually, I got a lot of things to do yet despite the fact that finals is over. Despite the absence of stressful overnights, still I find myself busy with small and big things. But it is different now, when before I had exams and pop quizzes to worry about, now I got to worry about the unknown - life after graduation, and life a little before this.

It bleeds my heart everytime I remember the stupidity and laziness I have in the past two semesters. I hate it. The idea that I can make it to cum laude makes me sick and it brings hell closer to me. It is as if my heart is having the severe pain accompanied with pagsisi or something. I hate it because I can never meet my expectations, my family's and everybody else's. I hate it because all the efforts, the blood, the sweat, the humiliating 'humility' somethimes intellectually insulting, the pimples, delayed gratification of my cravings, etc., all the dedication I have, all are gone into nothing like a mansion turned into ashes. Damn it! Everything's turned into total nothingness..

These may be very stumbling, very heartbreaking, but I know deep inside me I will become better and even stronger. It was clearly a failure, a candidate for cum laude but never been one. When someone asks me if I made it to that, I discreetly reply, "almost, but not quite." Arrogant in the strict sense, but maybe that's one way to cope up with the grief I am feeling, and at least I still am protecting the ego in me. Time as everybody says, but no one could ever make me sure how long would that be. And even if that will take me any longer, I still will be willing to go through it, if that would mean healing and at the ame time growth, why not, right? Perfect.

I have been affected by the way Providence guided me or what, but I know the Creator has something in store for me. This incident may be a failure in one side, but I know He has some perfect plan or something. I may have never known the answers now (even if I continue asking him), but i know the perfect Planner will make that clear one day - if that will take me a lifetime, then maybe I will have to. Success after all never means honor, fame, or money, but it always is paramount to the act of standing everytime one falls. And that's how I am actually doing now. Despite the pain, the anger!!, the hatred maybe, I know this would just tell me to do otherwise. One friend told me that what matters most is not other people's afffirmation, but one's affirmation that in spite of others' disbelief in one's ability or capabilities still one continues to believe in self, and eventually fly even to higher heights. Don't get me wrong, I may sound robbish or something, but that is just how I want it said.

I hate this and I love this still. The pain, yet the coming joy, the failure, yet still with hope of another victory, and the line goes on and on. In life one cannot really has the monopoly to hold everything in one's hand, nor a wish-granting-sexy-seducting fair lady (sorry!) to give the wants, but I know it is worth knowing that there is Someone out there who has better plans than mine. I may never know now and how, but Im sure it will come. The answers may be too hard to find, but Im quite confident that they're there. It might be confusing this time, but one thing is sure it will be OK. Rain now, sunlight tomorrow. I may have lost this one battle, but I know I will be winning the war.

For the moment, life has to go on.