The Unexpected

I wrote in my previous post that I was too depressed and a little hopeless because I cannot make it to something. (Just see over it if you wish to know). I was grieving then in and out of me. I was truly disappointed and bleeding.

But here, I am just experienced some sunlight of hope. I coulnd never imagine how this could be fast, so fast that the transition gives a sense of illusion. I was in hurt then a few days ago, but now. oh, my, i cannot contain the joy I have insde me..The Lord has answered my prayers then, Oh, my.. I made it!!! I was so happy, so happy that I wanted to cry and scream. All I have now is to thank God>. Thanks God, He does answer prayers...

A Lesson of a Lifetime. Perfect.

Oh my, this week - practically a week before graduation is one characterized with turmoil, sadness, depression, anxiety and almost everything. It has been one hell of a roller-coaster week actually, I got a lot of things to do yet despite the fact that finals is over. Despite the absence of stressful overnights, still I find myself busy with small and big things. But it is different now, when before I had exams and pop quizzes to worry about, now I got to worry about the unknown - life after graduation, and life a little before this.

It bleeds my heart everytime I remember the stupidity and laziness I have in the past two semesters. I hate it. The idea that I can make it to cum laude makes me sick and it brings hell closer to me. It is as if my heart is having the severe pain accompanied with pagsisi or something. I hate it because I can never meet my expectations, my family's and everybody else's. I hate it because all the efforts, the blood, the sweat, the humiliating 'humility' somethimes intellectually insulting, the pimples, delayed gratification of my cravings, etc., all the dedication I have, all are gone into nothing like a mansion turned into ashes. Damn it! Everything's turned into total nothingness..

These may be very stumbling, very heartbreaking, but I know deep inside me I will become better and even stronger. It was clearly a failure, a candidate for cum laude but never been one. When someone asks me if I made it to that, I discreetly reply, "almost, but not quite." Arrogant in the strict sense, but maybe that's one way to cope up with the grief I am feeling, and at least I still am protecting the ego in me. Time as everybody says, but no one could ever make me sure how long would that be. And even if that will take me any longer, I still will be willing to go through it, if that would mean healing and at the ame time growth, why not, right? Perfect.

I have been affected by the way Providence guided me or what, but I know the Creator has something in store for me. This incident may be a failure in one side, but I know He has some perfect plan or something. I may have never known the answers now (even if I continue asking him), but i know the perfect Planner will make that clear one day - if that will take me a lifetime, then maybe I will have to. Success after all never means honor, fame, or money, but it always is paramount to the act of standing everytime one falls. And that's how I am actually doing now. Despite the pain, the anger!!, the hatred maybe, I know this would just tell me to do otherwise. One friend told me that what matters most is not other people's afffirmation, but one's affirmation that in spite of others' disbelief in one's ability or capabilities still one continues to believe in self, and eventually fly even to higher heights. Don't get me wrong, I may sound robbish or something, but that is just how I want it said.

I hate this and I love this still. The pain, yet the coming joy, the failure, yet still with hope of another victory, and the line goes on and on. In life one cannot really has the monopoly to hold everything in one's hand, nor a wish-granting-sexy-seducting fair lady (sorry!) to give the wants, but I know it is worth knowing that there is Someone out there who has better plans than mine. I may never know now and how, but Im sure it will come. The answers may be too hard to find, but Im quite confident that they're there. It might be confusing this time, but one thing is sure it will be OK. Rain now, sunlight tomorrow. I may have lost this one battle, but I know I will be winning the war.

For the moment, life has to go on.

Politicos!

Well, still in my 20, I dont think I could care more about politics in the Philippines. Maybe I got a lot more things to care like me exams, my projects, my love life, everyday financial battle, and everything. But I guess I couldnt stop myself from feeling sympathy in this country I am happily living in. Happy because I am satisfied with how much life this place offered, maybe not of monetary importance but of priceless memories I have here and the relationships of course. Anyway, I was so furious about this middle-class anger that has been circulating the net, the news and of course, seen very obviously in the streets these past days.
Everytime I surf the net, I see to it that I can check out the latest news and current events in here and abroad. I never missed checking out Inquirer's user-friendly site. Youngblood usually takes much interest since I can really relate to it, plus the editorial and commentaries or opinions rather of Conrado de Quiros, Rina Jaminez David, and the immature yet very unique column of Patricia Evangelista. When Ms. David reacted to an open letter that circulated, the middle-class anger and the rebuttal of the real-man behind that open letter, I got into my "political consciousness" if I may say so. People Power or EDSA movements and disparities had made me numb, numb to the point of insensitivities. I have become numb of social, political and economic changes. People shouting and expressing themselves in the boob-tube as if trying to convice every viewer to get into their cause. Come on, let us be realistic, you cant get everybody's sentiment, and sometimes, not the sentiment of tha majority. That is sadly one thing these irritating politicos, self-proclaimed advocates and activists, and politicians have been shouting at loud that I can no longer take it, as if earwax has accumulated in much amount that nothing except reality sounds, mask-off whispers can only be heard.

I really don't like the idea having Luzon or specifically Metro Manila to be the representation of almost everything about the Philippines. Come on. I have been sick already of this mentality, the imperialism that seems to eat up the esteem of the people in Visayas and Mindanao. But even if, we still has our voices heard despite this, and fortunately enough, these silent two has now risen up to their feet and fought back, even defend the share they rightfully own. It was clear enough in the ways things come out in the unsuccessful attempt of militants, and the opposition to oust Ms. Arroyo.

I voted for her, and I am happy that I did that, even if my father, who is a government employee, does not want me to do so. And even if things turn out to be not so OK, even if the military becomes sour with her, even if there are coup attempts, even if former presidents wish her to make that "ultimate sacrifice" or even religious groups had been cold to her. I think what makes a good president is that his/her ability to stand up the waves of politics, and I believe that the greatest sacrifice one has to give to this country is to stand tall and unwavering despite the fact that there are strong winds that are trying to put you down. When one ethical postulate says that "the end does not justify the means" I think that's foolishess when it is rather used in politics, because even the greatest president of a great nation commits mistakes and will continue to coomit mistakes. let us be pragmatic in this age where transitions occur at all times. I do not mean to be very liberal in looking at mistakes or whatever legal violations, but I think that is the best way for this country to move on. Look, our country has been moving stronger against the dollar, economy seems to be rising up once more albeit in little scale, and investos are slowly coming in starting new year. I thought this would be one great gift for me after Christmas, that there will be something new in the year 2005, in the Year of the Dog. But it appears to me that when dogs are considered to be man's bestfriend, that there would be a little bit of love or friendship in that sense, I was wrong. It seems that the dog was infected with rabies that he kills anyone that comes along his way. It appears to me and I assume to the rest of the world that in this country dog eats dog, and worst the dog eats his master. Ugh, I was a liitle far-fetched, but this I know is justifiable with the idea I'm trying to point out.

To all the politicos out there including those who act demigods, and maybe to Cory, and maybe to those who can be rightfully labeled as 'political butterflies' you will have your own share of nightmares and the moment they strike you, please for your children's sake, try to wake up. But if, even with much attempt you never do, maybe heaven can no longer take your arrogance. And if by chance, you manage to save yourself from them, try to make up and do some good things, correct the mistakes you did, and promise this blogger (Close your heart!!) that you will not be doing these things again. I said these things because I know I'm not in the position to reiterate all the misfortunes you brought into this country. Wahahahah....

After friendster, here's another

Having another blog site for my opinion, and almost everything under the sun is another one great thing that clued me to the computer and the net. Well, i just got this "blog attachment" when friendster.com offered this feature. friendster freak that i was (and still am!), i decided to make myself something like a post board or what where i suppose to place every single emotion that i want to share out from myself. and oh, so unfortunately, i cannot really make my friendster blog private since a lot of people used to read it because friendster well, sends email to your contacts/"friends" that I had updated my blog and that if they wish to see it they can click that bar and be directed to my blog. Well, sometimes i just wanted to share everything, but i cannot do it. and maybe, trying some luck in this one, maybe, just maybe i can stretch myself more and express more freely that ever (That i refer in the net).

I am the type of blogger (and oh, i am comfortable with that word now!) who wants to take out some piece of space in the realms of cybernet, making a little congestion in this already crowded system. but well, i think i just have to take my share. To tell you honestly (Yeah, i admit it's you. But i do not suppose anybody else would wish to read this.. hopefully. Hhehe), i was quite hesitant at first, but when i read the blog of a certain bong (sorry Mr. Austero???, cant acknowledge you coz i forgot your site's name..), his "open letter to leaders" to the congressmen, rallies' organizers, to Cory Aquino, irritating senators, and everybody else involved made some sort of excitement and whatever and that interests me to open this up and make my own. Not because i wanted to show up any creative writing skill that i have or showcase my literary side, whatever, it's just that maybe i wanted an avenue for my grievances, my outburst, my angst and a sharing board or diary (corny!) to express every single battle I am fighting, I am winning, battles that sometimes cry foul and battles that shout victories. And oh, also, the fact that Silliman's Internet System has blocked friendster.com make me as well find new way to have myself something alternative to replace it. Truly human. Making ways to satisfy one's needs. And that sums to SURVIVAL. I just would wish this would be another great thing that will happen this year and maybe, hopefully improve some proficiency in me in terms of English use or creative writing that my Basic Communication or Literature professors would be happy of. *wink*

A TRY!!

Try lang muna..